The Blessing of Learning...

I feel like there are certain times in life that we get to have the opportunity to see just how incredibly human we are. We all have these times in life; the times that you slam on your brakes but somehow your foot found the gas pedal instead. Or when you think you should probably get gas fairly soon, but instead you drive past the inconvenient gas station only to find out the next one isn't for another 50 miles. Or the times when you try to make a situation right but you just keep making it worse no matter what you say. The list goes on forever, as mortals we are just flawed.

Why in the world do we do the things we do sometimes? Personally I know in certain situations I seem to always have the same response. Yet I seem to think somehow I'll think differently. Somehow, because certain details are different - I will change my thinking. Nope, not so.

I've thought a lot about the Atonement the last few days. Any reason to draw nearer to my Savior is a good thing to me. :)
I was reminded of an experience of playing hide and seek with my brothers and sisters at my grandparents house many years ago.

It was a hot day and we were starting to get bored. I don't know who suggested the game of hide and seek, but they were a genius. All the adults were gone for pretty much the day and Grandma and Grandpa's house was the perfect hide and seek kingdom! We hid everywhere, and every round was an adventure. At one point I started to notice a closet people would hide in and it seemed to take a very long time to find. The reason why was I was packed full of stuff. Huge thick coats - and so many if you wanted to put something more in there, you'd have to really push...hard. It was so full even if you were to look in the closet most often you would miss someone there. The only reason people were ever found was because you could see their feet. Then came my brilliant beyond brilliant plan. I would hang off the same wonderful place the hangers were to hide my feet! People wouldn't even see my hands because there was so much at the top too! It would be one of those marvelous games where people would have to give up looking for me - and they would never know where I was.

At this point, I'm sure it's fairly clear why I didn't major in physics or engineering. That day was the first day I learned what a dowel is. I held on for a little while, but as people were walking by everything collapsed. And it fell right on top of me. My first instinct was to figure out a way to put it back together - fix the problem to the best of our abilities, then tell the adults when they get home. It'll all be fine. But my dear brothers and sisters saw a very different picture. There was no way we'd be able to put it all back together. In fact, the look on their faces reflected a little more the opinion that's it's been nice having me as a sister...but... And what they had to say, I don't remember. But the shear panic in their voices suddenly made me terrified for my own life as well. All they could suggest was to hide again.

Now the game of hide and seek became a matter of life and death. I ran upstairs at the suggestion of those I love - in hopes that it was not the last time I saw them. Eventually I found the perfect spot. Under a guest bed. Not just any guest bed would do what this bed would bless me with. It was a king size bed that was low enough there was only an inch or two above my head. Now, normally this would have been a problem since I am very claustrophobic. However, even as a young child I knew my priorities. Living or anything else...I chose living. I didn't have to wait long either...or a few precious minutes felt like milliseconds considering my possible fate.

Then it happened. My uncle Steve was the first to come home. As soon as he saw my siblings making a sad attempt to put things in order, I'm sure numerous neighbors heard his questioning what happened. My heart was beating so hard and so fast I may have gone lightheaded...or it was the small space, either way I knew I had to pay attention to every detail to know what would happen to me. It all took a matter of seconds - my uncle's questioning what happened...and then that response. Not only did they say that I did it, but they told him I was upstairs! Oh the betrayal. I was honestly close to jumping out from my hiding place to put inline whoever had the audacity to rat me out so quickly. But then I heard them... steps coming up with the intent to do who knows what! I was only a little girl! I was so scared and didn't know what to do! The floor shook beneath me, if only a real earthquake would occur. At least then I would know my fate! I tried to be quite, but he must have heard my whimpering as soon as he came to the top of the stairs, because he came straight to the room I was in.

As soon as he came in, his verbalizing my name just made me hide farther under the bed. I was fully aware that if a person said your name in a tone like that it was best to just stay away. Don't worry. I was going to live out the rest of my life under that bed if needed. As the minutes past, he seemed to slowly cool down. Maybe it was the realization that I was incredibly stubborn and really would live under the bed if I had to, maybe it was the fact that this little girl was hiding under a bed that may be squishing her and all the tears and shaking that went along with the whole situation. Either way, it seemed out of nowhere, a miracle happened. He said that I was obviously sorry for what had happened. He would talk to my grandparents and offered to go downstairs and get some ice cream.

I was dumbfounded. I went from absolute terror as to what would happen as a punishment to comforting words and ice cream.

That day my uncle started to become one of my all time favorite people. Whatever he suggested as an option to do, I was up for because it always ended up being a great experience. From his just being himself, I found the joy of "Cats" and other musicals or music in general. Also, the joy of writing my thoughts and so many more things. Most of all, from him I later learned what the Atonement really means. Sometimes we do things because we think it will be a brilliant plan, but it backfires incredibly. In times we may think there is just no hope for the future, just remember this one thing. The Savior knows the intent of your heart. We make mistakes in life - sometimes like breaking things in your grandparents' home, some much more extensive. But always remember HE is there to advocate your cause. HE is there to stand in your place. HE is there to make right what is beyond your capacity to make right. And He will.

There are many things in life that we need to own up to. But for those things that are beyond our control, there is most gratefully, the Savior.

The joy of cornstarch...

You know how you can look back on things and realize "Good heavens, could I have done things any worse than I did?" It seems I do that frequently. Most of the time I don't know how I could have done things differently - I just seem to think of the worst choice and go with it. Now the feeling left over most thoroughly stinks. It seems like sometimes some things in life come and go through out lives like water through our hands. Have you ever made the concoction of cornstarch and water? It is a unique substance that when you shape it and mold it continuously, it is like a solid form similar to play-dough, but wet. However, if you stop for just a second it turns more into a thick liquid. It seems there are so many situations in life that are just this way. And thus my problem comes.

I seem to get myself into new situations all the time that I'm not really sure where I stand, what I think, how I feel; Or how others stand, think and feel toward me. When this happens I seem to clam up and want to only do what I feel comfortable with. We all like to stick to what's comfortable right? Well the problem is, I form my little ball of gooey clay and suddenly realize I don't know what to do in a situation - then as much as I enjoyed and loved playing with my little ball, it's liquid and through the fingers it goes.

We have been told numerous times to "act and not be acted upon". I feel like in certain things I'm so far from even being acted upon. It would seem no action is even necessary before things seem to consistently fall out of my hands. I hope and pray that one day I'll be able to mold my clay in a positive, lasting way. To whomever reads this - God Bless you and your patience and understanding toward me. I know there has got to be a lot.

I love learning through art! These are a few examples

So, these are a bunch of pictures I really like. I'll start out with just fun. These first ones are from James Christiansen. He truly is a remarkable painter. This first one is a composite of many fairy tales.
This one is called Faith, Hope and Charity. I love anything with those three together.

There are two types of people - those who wait to talk and those who listen. With all the noise of the world in our lives, we all have to find our own mute button. "Since a painting has not soundtrack, the title character at the center of The Listener has found the best way to shut off all the noise in the visual cacophony around him by closing his eyes," Christensen says. "Listening to his still, small, inner-voice, he remains centered without being overcome. We can all find peace in this busy world, but sometimes need to be reminded that we are in charge of our destiny and each of us has the ability to focus without being pushed and pulled as victims." The characters found in the colorful "noise" around the listener in this painting take many forms including politicians, mothers-in-law, musicians, and famous artists...try to find Picasso! Through it all, our listener ignores the noise in favor of his own personal tranquility.

This painting is of a woman touching the hem of a white garment...any guesses who?

This painting is of all the parables Christ told. I would love to one day go through and read each one, keeping in mind which part of the painting I am reading.

Another picture I have loved for a long time is Christ Healing the Sick at Bethesda, by Carl Bloch. There is so much to learn from this story, many talks given, and so much symbolism. For a certain year and a half span of time I used this picture as a means to teach. I feel it is one of hope, courage, charity, faith and healing. The actual scriptural account is found in John Chapter 5. I will write in more detail about it later.

So, a little over two years ago I realized just how incredibly much I had to work on to improve. I think we all have those times in life where we realize there's a lot to adjust within us. At this time I realized a lot at once, and it was a bit overwhelming. Then I saw this picture. And I thought of the scripture Ether 12:27

And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.

Just cute pictures :D

Cute. Yes? I think we all have the desire to dance freely.

If I were to write an ode to something

If I were to write an ode to something...I think it might be my toothbrush.

What a magical tool that can take away bad breathe, gross fuzzies, and prevent a painful time at the dentist just by using two or three times a day. What a blessing in life - a toothbrush.

Oh dear, dear blog. How I enjoy you.

Since Sunday I started to track myself to visually see how I was doing with certain things I've wanted to accomplish. It started with just making sure I pray every morning and night, and read my scriptures everyday. Then I started to mark in a separate Book of Mormon each reference to the Atonement and example of showing love for family, or showing what Love and Charity really means. It's been insightful. So far I've found one page that didn't talk show love - it could have been that I was too tired for insight, it could have been there really wasn't something. But I've learned a lot. Love, Charity and the Atonement are so intertwined that to truly live one, we inevitably live all. Now I also have charts to mark where I've read in the Book of Mormon, Doctrine and Covenants, and Bible (New Testament and Old Testament separate). Over the time of just one week I've realized a greater light and spirit in my life. The prophet Alma tells his son that it is by small and simple things that great things happen (1). It's amazing how true this is. What a blessing we have to just do little things and see miracles unfold.

Yesterday was my final day working with an afterschool program. Oh how I love and adore those children. I think back to the first day I started. It was so rainy and so hard to remember so many names! Over the course of the year there were times that I was amazed how dramatic some of these children could be. But at the end of the day it was not hard to see the divine nature within these wonderful children. They have such incredible potential for life. While there were numerous examples, one that I thought of was Chris. He came in the last session with such crazy hair, and a personality to match. Toward the end, for about two or three weeks he would ask me if I was a tweep or a qwatawatawoo. I would try to come up with different answers all the time, but in the end he and his friends would always inch toward me saying that they love to eat (whatever my response was). It was fascinating to see that his friends had already come for the whole year, but when he came in, it wasn't hard for him to have a following. Over time three boys seemed to flock to him - even if not as much to each other, but certainly to him. I thought about maybe why this was the case.

My answer?

There was no doubt he was a true friend that would always be inviting and happy to see them. With all his unique quirks and appearance that may not be accepted as "cool", HE knew who he was. He enjoyed his life and was happy to accept those who wanted to join in his never-ending craziness. It was always a joy to see him. I strongly believe he will be one of those people to always have the admiration of quality people. Indeed, I feel he has one of those personalities to do amazing things in life.

What blessings we have all around us!! It never ends if we will be open to the blessings! There are those rare personalities that we are just drawn to because they are incredible. It is my hope that we can always appreciate them for what they are, one of the greatest tender mercies we have. Because these are the people who help us remember who we are, where we are going, and why we are going there. These people help us to remember how to keep our feet on the ground, and never forget the joy we can have in the little details of life.

1. Alma 37:6

"Look how she lights up my life...my darling, my Evangeline." -- Sung by Ray, From The Frog Princess

Lately I've watched this movie a few times with friends. I've also talked to others about dating, what it means, how to do it better, etc. While I've learned there are not many set rules, there are things that can be done better. While watching this movie last night, I started thinking about a few things. While it seems a slow and steady process, I'm gradually moving toward the direction of thinking there is great benefit in what prophets and apostles encourage us to do - not that I didn't before, it just hadn't sunk into my soul.

Little sweet Raymond had such a sweet heart, he talks to "his Evangeline" and has such faith in her. At one point he sings about his love for her. By the end of his song I have a secret hope that everything will work out, and they can be together - every time. Now granted, it's a give and take that is a little different. Some may even say that it's a one sided relationship. And if it weren't for the very end I would say that's very true. But looking at things a little more closely, he's happy. Every night she is shining brightly - and twinkling with his serenading. In the end, they are holding hands. He's happy and an example of looking at things with a bright hope.

Now, turning to Mamma Ody. She sings about digging deeper - and finding not what we want, but what we need. First she talks to Prince Naveen about money. She comments that it didn't make him happy before, why would it make him happy in the future? He needs to find purpose, and go at it with who he loves. Next she talks to Tiana. She starts by talking about why she's so focused on working toward getting her restaurant. Tiana's daddy had a lot of love in his heart, all the time. As his daughter, what he had, she has in her too. Working hard is great - and very important. However, Tiana was not living her life with joy because she was so focused on one thing. (Again - if she wasn't happy working hard all the time, would it make her happy once she owned a restaurant?)

I'm starting to think in the end all that truly matters is how we love. As much as we (or at least certainly me) don't want people to know deep into our souls, how can we truly progress? Maybe that's why I'm writing this on my blog where nobody usually wonders to. But really - to be able to do all in our power to bless and lift another who does the same; to know in our heart that we would be willing to do as much as possible to help another reach back to their Heavenly home as they want the same for you; to one day just be able to feel a deep sense of love and charity and wholeheartedly be able to tell that person your feelings - and not be something to think about; to be able to dance with someone and feel like the whole world around you disappears, all that's left is just you and this wonderful person who seems to be send from Heaven - and just adores you for who you are.

Personally I've seen many sides to relationships - I've even seen the side, frequently, of the belief that it just won't happen in this life.

I started to believe a few of the most important parts of dating are: Someday something will happen. It will be magical, and it will be well worth the wait and frustration. I also believe that avoidance only decreases ability. Being scared is normal. But to avoid because of inadequate skills only makes things worse. I'm certain I'm not the only one who has many people (from well known, to just met) tell me all the great things about me, that I have a lot of love to give, what kind of wonderful wife and mother I'll be, etc, etc. But in the end I've shocked many because I did not get engaged my first year in college, did go on a mission rather than get married, and on and on. In the end I'd started to think with everyone saying these things, and reality being so far from it...what in the world is wrong with me??

Probably numerous things. :) But I think the biggest hurdle is not having fear take over. Toward the beginning of this semester I had to write a goals paper. I had to come up with three different kinds of goals, and since I would be putting so much thought and effort into this paper, I wanted to come up with ones that would actually be helpful to my life. The year long goal: overcome my fear of dating. We just can't control what happens to us, but we can certainly choose how to respond and what we learn.

I'm still learning.

But I believe I'm improving.